Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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