cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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