I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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