Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Randomize
