She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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