Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
