can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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