I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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