Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
My life is pants optional.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
