I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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