Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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