She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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