how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
