You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
