I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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