That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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