i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
