Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
