I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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