If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
