oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
this boner is exhausting
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
