She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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