He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
