everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
