god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
