Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize