one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
