So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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