birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
