i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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