Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
