he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
