evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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