next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
