I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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