I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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