My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
