I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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