my room smells like sperm. sweet.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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