After last night, I could never be a politician.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I think my vagina is haunted
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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