A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
