my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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