i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
