I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
