Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
