i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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