I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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