so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
