everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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