be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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