I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
