Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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