Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
