i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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