I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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