the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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