Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
