I need help removing her.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize