Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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