people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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