If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
3 2 1 whiskey
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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