I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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