I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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