Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize