Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
whose parrot is this?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
